[FML]搬运自FML
FML是个美国网站，全名叫fuck my life，主要是让大伙po一些自己遇到的倒霉事的。
大部分除了糟糕以外都相当有喜感，特此搬运一小部分，以娱大众。
P.S. 不是我翻译的……
Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML
今天我听到火灾警报器狂响，急忙冲到客厅，发现我朋友在地板暖气上搞化了一只塑料杯，然后在上面撒了泡尿来灭火。现在满屋都是烧焦的尿味。FML
Today, I had a surprise test for Economics. While taking the test, I put my head down so I could think. A while later, I awoke to the whole class turning in their test. I had to turn in my test incomplete. No questions answered, just my name, the date, and a pool of drool. FML
今天经济学突击考试。考试中我低头思考了一会，——醒来时已经到交卷时间了。我只好交了白卷，上面只有我的名字，日期，以及一滩口水。FML
Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML
今天是我生日，而且很显然我全家人都忘记了。只有我家的狗狗没有忘，在我给自己新买的鞋里留了点小礼物。FML
Today, I can't get my heat to turn off. It is currently 87 degrees Fahrenheit in my house, and my heat is running non-stop. It's about 20 degrees outside with over a foot of snow on the ground, so a repairman can't come out to fix it. My electricity bill will be about $1000. FML
今天我的暖气关不掉了。现在屋里31度，并且还在持续升温。外面气温零下7度，积雪一英尺深，维修人员来不了。我这回交电费得交1000刀了。FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML
今天我在咖啡店排队买咖啡，发现我前面那家伙脸上有只虫。我好心地轻轻把虫拍掉，于是那家伙在我脸上打了好多拳。FML
Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML
今天我因为猛烈的腹部绞痛卧床不起。男朋友来了，看着我痛苦地扭动，说：要是你得了绦虫的话说不定还能瘦点。FML
Today, my brother informed me that he had dropped my toothbrush into the toilet... After I had brushed my teeth. FML
今天弟弟说他不小心把我的牙刷掉到马桶里了。而我已经刷完牙了。FML
Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML
今天我和男朋友在床上搞，正要入戏的时候他的猫跳上来趴在我们两个之间。他说先到这里吧我想让我的猫保持纯洁。FML
(为啥又是猫？)
Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted,"Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML
今天我在商店外面跟个帅哥调情，我妈开着车过来对我喊：快走吧，我拉肚子！FML
Today, I finally came home from a semester of college, and all my parents and sister can talk about is how bad my acne has gotten. FML
今天我终于结束大学学期回到家，我父母和姐姐唯一跟我讨论的话题是我脸上的粉刺越发糟糕了。FML
Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML
今天我深爱的女朋友在电话里把我甩了两次。第一次是甩我。几个小时后她又打电话来明确结束我们的朋友关系。我被一个朋友甩了。FML
Today, I took my first day off in 3 weeks just so I can sleep in. The office secretary woke me up at 7.12 am with a page wishing me a nice day off. FML
今天我三个礼拜以来第一次休假，想睡个懒觉，然后办公室秘书在早上7点12分发了个传呼过来祝我休假快乐。FML
Today, I was at the local theatre watching "The Nutcracker" ballet with my mother. When the prince made his appearance in his tights my mother leans over to me and says, "Those are some well defined butt cheeks!" loud enough for everyone around us to hear. FML
今天我跟妈妈在剧院看芭蕾舞剧《胡桃夹子》。王子穿着紧身衣登场时，我妈靠过头来对我说：他的屁股形状好棒啊！附近所有人都听到了。FML
Today, I was fired from my job as a middle school teacher. Why? I told an 8th grader that Santa Claus wasn't real. He cried and told my boss. FML
今天我被炒了。我是个中学老师，对一个初二学生说圣诞老人并不存在，于是他哭着去报告了我的老板。FML
Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML
今天我准备冲澡时滑倒了，晕了过去。后来擂门声把我吵醒了过来。是个警察，来确认我的状况的。我问他怎么会知道我出事了，他说有个匿名的男性邻居打电话来报警的。谁在偷窥老娘啊喂。FML
Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML
今天一个女人在酒吧里推了我一把说她一直很讨厌我。她是我五年级时的老师。FML
Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML
今天我最好的朋友对我坦白说他跟我女朋友偷偷睡了两个月了，原因是她现在又跟我们的另外一个朋友混去了。FML
Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML
今天我和妹妹吵了一架。后来我回家时发现我房间里满是番茄酱。FML
Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML
今天我发现我得到的最多的亲亲来自我爸的短信。FML
Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML
今天我老婆在公司参加最糟糕服装大赛。她穿了一件纯白色的毛衣，上面印着我的脸，然后拿了个一等奖回来。FML
Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML
今天我跟阿姨聊天，讨论我那个最近因为吸毒被抓进去的弟弟。我很自豪地说我从来没碰过任何毒品。她说：哼，你天生就有海洛因瘾，比你弟弟的时间长多了。FML
Today, I got a Christmas present from my boss. It was an ab workout video. FML
今天老板送我个圣诞礼物：一盘腹肌锻炼教程录像带。FML
Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML
今天我看Google的卫星街景，发现我家门前停着辆陌生的车。我去问老婆，她承认是有个男人来了。全世界都比我先知道我老婆有了别的男人。FML
Today, I found out that my ex-husband just had a baby with his new partner. We only split up a week ago. FML
今天我发现前夫和新老婆有孩子了。我们才离婚一个礼拜。FML
Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML
今天我在看电影，前面坐着个高个子女人，我往哪边歪头她也往哪边歪头。过一会她笑了起来。原来坐她旁边那人一直在告诉她我往哪边歪。FML
Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML
今天我回家时，发现我的房间被翻得一团糟。我父母一起问我为啥要吸毒，因为她在地板上发现一个小塑料袋。哦妈咪买衣服的时候备用扣子不就是用这种塑料袋的吗。FML
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