标题:
老外自爆糗事,FML
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作者:
easternevil
时间:
2009-8-15 11:20
标题:
老外自爆糗事,FML
老外自爆糗事,FML(转帖)
最近各大论坛上都有网友翻译fmylife上的糗事,先转100条,有兴趣的大家自己补充或是去网站上看。
喜欢的给我点支持啊。
FML,即 FXXk my life的缩写,直译的话就是“草,我的生活烂透了”
在你感到不舒心的时候去这里,你会顿时发现生活原来没有最倒霉,只有更倒霉。
1、
今天,我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起
送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。
FML
2、
今天,我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ硬了,而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师
走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML
3、
今天,我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去,我带着狗出去遛了遛。
我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来,手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML
4、
今天,一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说,如果我能站着和她做,她就和我
做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML
5、
今天,我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候,他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒
了Brittany!!”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML
6、
今天,我老板叫我去他的办公室,要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的
网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候,网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他
最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男
人。FML
7、
今天,我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间,所以我等不及要把这个好消
息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时,我看到他和一个男的在亲热
。FML
8、
今天,我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时,她立马大喊道:
“我赢喽!!”她今年才13。FML
9、
今天,我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说,他和我在一起的
时候能硬起来,是因为我长得比较爷们。FML
10、
今天,我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我
问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML
11、
今天,我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前,我跟着她
来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友,家庭和一份很好的工作,就是为了和她一起住
。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML
12、
今天,我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候,他
们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML
13、
今天,我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠
的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就
读了。FML
14、
今天,我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告
诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁,没人性,不害臊,然后把我留
校了。我爸是真的死了。FML
15、
今天,我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候,我意识到我的父母的姓其实
是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合,结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系
。FML
16、
今天,我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克,聊着天,很愉快。突然,
他把他的手放到我肚子上说:“不久之后,这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML
17、
今天,我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊
糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子,解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道:“嗯……真
是浪漫。”他震惊道:“啊。你醒着呢?!”FML
18、
今天,我做公车去上班,后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候,她睡
着了,脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年,我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄
醒她。实际上,这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说,我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分
钟。FML
19、
今天,我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气,跑下楼去制
止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML
20
今天,我给我男友发短信说:“Hi”。他的回复是:“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大
了”。FML
21、
今天,我上交了我的博士论文,我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚,我
的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑
鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML
22、
今天,我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后,我转过身来,发现他面带微笑
地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ,对我说:“现在来X我。”FML
23、
今天,为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女
友的工作是什么了。FML
24、
今天,我发现因为我的血压太高,我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期,然
后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML
25、
今天,我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他,发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢
慢地挪开,他告诉我“别动!”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。
FML
26、
今天,我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚,在
我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。
FML
27、
今天,我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被
责怪成熬夜,我就假装睡着了。结果,他们是想要OOXX,所以才来确认我是不是睡了的
。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML
28
今天,我在外面吃饭的时候,饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选
择,但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就
是说,他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML
29、
今天,我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机,惊恐地发现
那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面
写着:“百慕大,1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上
的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML
30、
今天,我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方:一个孤僻的山上。我注意
到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友,想要告诉他说有人找到了
属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌
木里飘来。FML
31 我今天去了趟警察局 把我42岁的爹从里面弄了出来 为啥?因为他偷糖吃 FML
32 我今天错过了医学院的考试——一辆SUV翻了我忙着救里面的病人~病人送到医
院了 我想我一年的准备也白废了 什么?你问我考什么?考试科目:紧急救援 FML
33 我今天像往常一样送包裹 我把一个大包裹送给一个辣妹后 她好像有话要说——
果然 她张嘴了 然后吐了我一身~这是我今天第一个包裹~我要回家~FML
34 我今天告诉我妈 我有个朋友 今年要去中国呆一年 不去上大学了 我妈说要不你
也去?后来我告诉我妈 去中国一年的费用要比大学贵 我妈说:“没事 单程就便宜多了
” FML
35 我今天蹑手蹑脚地去我女朋友家 我给她发了条短信:“怪叔叔要来找你玩了”
当我靠近窗户的时候 她爸用球拍给了我全力一击~~我把短信发给她妈了~FML
36 我今天要和暗恋已久的一个男生出去玩 他告诉我在家等他的短信 ~几个小时之
后我终于收到了短信:“猜猜我在干什么?我刚完事!”——他忘了约会 跑去和女人上
床了 更囧的是我居然恭喜他~FML
37 我住的楼今天起火了 我当时在5楼 正在洗澡 由于起火点就在隔壁楼层 我只好
拼命冲下来~事后我得了一张五百美元的罚单——公共场所裸奔罪 FML
38 我今天醒来发现我儿子不见了 我想他失踪了 就报警 还发动所有亲戚朋友找 过
了三小时我儿子自己回来了——我TM昨天把他落在他朋友家里了 我儿子对我说:“爹
别再喝伏特加了 人都傻了“ FML
39 今天有个人买了好多值钱东西 用的是现金 我和经理一起数钱 事后他给了我一
张100美元的钞票当小费 我多想满心欢喜地收下啊——可是我经理在旁边 我们规定不准
收小费 FML
40 我今天和朋友去滑冰~滑到半截溜冰场清人了 因为要上溜冰课 我TM不会滑冰
我朋友还先走了 我是最后一个离开溜冰场的——在众人的嘲笑中爬着离开(这个太强了
) FML
31、Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one
and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape
and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They’ve told me I was
conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML
今天,我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机,惊恐地发现
那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面
写着:“百慕大,1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上
的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML
32、 Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for
our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my
boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone
started playing from the bush. FML
今天,我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方:一个孤僻的山上。我注意
到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友,想要告诉他说有人找到了
属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌
木里飘来。FML
33、 Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door
for a surprise visit. He’s barely outside the door and I pull the door open
and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on
the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves.
FML
今天,我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打
招呼,这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门,亲了我的脸颊,用一种超级搞基的声音说
“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML
34、Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents
having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good
long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones
just in time to hear them finish. FML
今天,我躺在床上试图睡着,可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳
机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后,我想他们应该已经完事了,所以我摘下了耳机
。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML
35、Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we
got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game
arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML
今天,我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后,他先去看信箱里面有没有
信,然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML
36、Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military.
They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML
今天,我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了,go-vern-
ment能补贴多少钱。FML
37、Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with
flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man
answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to
hear my girlfriend’s voice call from the background: "Baby, who’s
there?" FML
今天,拿着鲜花和晚餐,打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的
们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门,道了歉转身准备离开的
时候,我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝,门口的是谁?”FML
38、Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I
walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw
me he simply said, "April Fool’s!" It’s March 19th. FML
今天,我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍,发现他和另一个女
的躺在床上。他看见了我,说了句:“愚人节快乐!”那天是3月19号。FML
39、Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay.
When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the
address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML
今天,我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友,告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到:”
那一栏的时候,系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句:“你这肮脏
的蛆虫。”FML
40、Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My
boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly
pulled out my tampon. FML
今天,我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线
头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML
41、 Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the
mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers,
use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML
今天,我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要,而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回
了封信说:“你长了手指头,用它们,我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML
42、 Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what
seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and
asked me, "what do I do now?" FML
今天,我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后,他终于进来了。
这时他停了下来,问道——“好了,现在我该怎么办?”FML
43、 Today, my son looked out of the window and said "what’s that piece
of shit doing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying to surprise
him with on his 16th birthday. FML
今天,我儿子望向窗户以外问道:“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛?”那是我打
算送给他的,他16岁生日的新车。FML
45、 Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex
today. His response was "Can’t, Platinum just came out." I didn’t know what
that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he’s
talking about a new Pokemon game. FML
今天,我发短信给我的男友,问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行,白
金今天出。”我一开始没听懂,于是我去搜索了一下“白金,2009年3月22号”。结果我
发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML
46、 Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years
old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized.
FML
今天,我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生
。她打了个鼾来盖住她的大笑声,然后道了道歉。FML
47、 Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured
they’d remember and we’d have cake at night. I came home and there was
cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the
day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more
important. FML
今天,我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声,但是我想他们会记住,晚上我就有蛋糕
吃了。我晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次
月经来潮。很明显,他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML
48、 Today, I saw the blueprints for my family’s new house. My room is
half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom’s
walk-in closet. FML
今天,我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个
屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。FML
49、Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I
decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide
open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put
his penis in my mouth. FML
今天,我感觉有点病了,呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹,嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困
难。我醒来的时候,发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML
50、 Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped
off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He
shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML
今天,我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然,他从我身上跳下来,大喊:“该死,该死!”
我很着急,问他怎么了。他大吼:“我忘了设定TiVO了!”(一种电视录像装置). FML
51、 Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I
accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family
outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole
family watched me run over their dog. FML
今天,我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了,但是看到了他们
全家在外面等我。我调了个头,然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他
们的狗。FML
52、 Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she
gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew
nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her.
FML
今天,我在和我交往了9个月的女友OOXX。有人给她打电话,她决定去接。给她打电
话的是她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有这号人。她在我还在她的体内的时候说:她订婚
了。FML
53、Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going
to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every
single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the
box: "love mom." FML
今天,我想拿个套套因为我的男友和我打算第一次OX。当我打开抽屉时,我看到每
个套套都被一个耶稣形象的别针扎破了。盒子上面有个字条:“爱你的妈妈。”FML
54、Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven’t had sex
yet. FML
今天,我女友跟我说她有了。我还没OOXX呢。FML
55、 Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was
sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming
through the open window. I then realized it wasn’t raining, but the girl in
the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through
my window. FML
今天,我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排,感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然
后我意识到那不是雨点,而是第1排有个女的吐了,她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进
来。FML
56、
今天,我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。(却完全无视
了)我刚刚被法学院录取。FML
57、
今天,我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页,发现他们把我的名
拼错了。我的名是James(詹姆斯)。他们拼成了Lames(烂透的)。FML
58、
今天,我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在
洗头的时候,我向下看去,注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说,我的脚一开始感觉到的温
暖的水不是从喷头里出来的。FML
59、
今天,我被逮捕了,因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫pol.ice,说我把我的妻子打得哭了
。我和我老婆当时在OOXX。FML
60、
今天,我提前下班回家,买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊,
我蹑手蹑脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说:“哦,天
哪,我要S了。”他才刚14。FML
61、
今天,我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有
单子上写的部分。她做了一切她能做的,甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后,我
看了看那张单子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML
62、
今天,我打开电脑查看我的AV收藏。但是,文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都
空了。我以为是病毒删了所有的东西,但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了
以后,看到里面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML
63、
今天,大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿
东西径直打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个TT。用过的TT。而且用完没系。JY在你开快车
的时候散开得很快。FML
64、
今天,我搭我新男友的车。他有“很重要的事”要告诉我。然后他多愁善感地向我
讲述了他如何对SY上瘾。细节具体生动。行程是两个小时。FML
65、
今天,我才发现我的新学生宿舍的墙,是多么的薄。它们如此之薄,以至于我能听
到我隔壁那个恶心的哥们一边一遍又一遍地念叨着我的名字,一边大力SY的声音。FML
66、
今天,我在和我的小弟弟打篮球。在开玩笑般地阻挡了他一下之后,他转过来跟我
说“你TM的婊 子。”他才6岁。我问他他是在哪里听到这个词的,他回答说:“爹地在
你不在的时候这样叫你。”FML
67、
今天,我裸身躺在床上,被蒙上了眼罩。我告诉我的男友他把我怎样都行。30分钟
以后,我下了床发现他在电脑室打魔兽。他队友需要他。FML
68、
今天,我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前,我注意到了有几个女孩在
后台换衣服——于是我小弟弟high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》,我就是演耶稣
的。我身上只穿几块布。于是乎,所有观众都看到了:耶稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻
地硬了。FML
69、
今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX,大约5分钟之后,她说她想上厕所,所以我们被
迫停止。大概等了10分钟,我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看,窗户是开着的,她
逃走了。FML
70、
今天,当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个,当时她正在打电话。她和她朋
友说:“我得挂了,电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说:“对不起,我撒谎
了,我只是真的很想把那个电话结束”。FML
71、Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu
to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning.
After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch
of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really.
FML
今天我去快餐店点了一份一元餐想要省钱。五个小时之后我因为食物中毒被送到医
院。在一天的禁食、排泄、冒顶、考试、挂了一堆水之后,我那$1的汉堡花费了我
$24000,真的!!FML
72、Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked
into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The
sister he killed after he raped her. FML
今天,一个和我一起工作的精极度紧张患者在一个被锁的房间里看着我的眼睛、深
情的说:你让我想起了我的妹妹。(那个被他被他先X后杀的妹妹)。FML
73、Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I
had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new
boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car
and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
今天我打电话给我的未婚妻并发现她已经有了9个月身孕。我在伊拉克带了将近6个
月……我还发现她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍抚恤金花的差不多了——买了辆
新车、去拉斯维加斯度假。FML
74、Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when
he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a
millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my
grandmother’s house." FML
今天,我在和我男友OOXX,他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我
快要丢的时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方,说:“我喜欢的你那闻起
来像我祖母房子的味道~”,FML
75、Today, I saw a lenbian couple walking through the mall. One of the
ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming
at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or
not. I was only staring because I’m a lenbian too, and they were hot. FML
今天,我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我,
然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁,还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等
的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的,而且我觉得她们很靓。FML
76、Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took
off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that’s disappointing." FML
今天,我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉,他说:
“我擦,这太令人失望了。”FML
77、Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I
’d been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner
with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and
on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML
今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人,第二个是和
我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机,他们喝的是在是太多了,然后
他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……FML
78、 Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my
few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I
said, "because I’m paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive,
and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you’re
honest." FML
今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月,她问我为什么,我
回答:因为我偏激,强势,保守,还有顽固。为了鼓励我,她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML
79、Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing
soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch
the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it
ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML
今天我在一个公园里散步,看到一群孩子在踢球, 其中一个把球踢向了我,很幸运
的是我把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到:“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回
来,命中我的脸 FML
80、Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5
months. And we’re related. FML
今天我才发现谁在过去5个月里面一直跟踪我 , 我们是男女朋友关系。 FML (意
思是我的男/女朋友跟踪了我5个月)--((其实这个我也不懂))
81、Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in
with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom’s hand unexpectedly
came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower,
all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML
今天我在洗澡的时候,男朋友忽然跳了进来,我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手
穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里,说:注意安全啊孩子们 FML
82、Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 小
甜饼s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 小甜饼s are
safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in
my life. FML
今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干, 结果我看到了老妈和她的
男朋友,好消息是饼干很安全,坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML
83、Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got
stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML
今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了, 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小
时,和他们2个一起 FML
84、Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and
really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped
and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time."
I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML
今天,我在酒吧见到一个帅哥。我们谈了一会而且十分合得来~我们最后决定一起
去我的公寓。进门之后,他说:“把这乱七八糟的东西好好收拾收拾,也许我们下次还
可以再继续”。我差点疯掉…我公寓刚刚被抢劫了…FML
85、Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend’s and my parents
suddenly ask if I’m gay. I reply that no, I’m bisexual. My mom then asks if
I’ve ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to
my dad and says ’I told you so. You owe me $20’. My parents bet on my
sexuality. FML
今天,我正准备出门去朋友家,我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是,澄清
说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过,我回答是。然后她就跟
我爸说:“看,我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML
86、Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting
dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I’m
just doing what Ray does to you while you’re in the bathroom." Ray is my new
step dad. FML
今天,我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他
他在干嘛,他回答说:“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做,我只是在学他罢了。”
雷是我的新继父。FML
87、Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to
my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top.
I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said
"oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn’t wearing a watch. FML
今天,我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩,然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之
间十分来电,于是最后OOXX了…男上女下。我非常之投入,可是在半途的时候她突然
举起手腕说:“啊,看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML
88、Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten
minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to
share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail.
FML
今天,我上班要迟到了,所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机
抓住这一大好时机,向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML
89、Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car,
a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last
corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up,
I noticed that it was my car. FML
今天,我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方,距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转
过最后一个街角时,一辆车超速驶来,我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了—
—那车是我的。FML
90、Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man
pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into
the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump
and turn of the train. FML
今天,卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人;我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他
专注地盯着我看,上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候,
那东西都在摩擦着我。FML
91、Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then
told me I’d get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and
blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the
kitchen table!" It was her mom who’d just got back from work. FML
今天,我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上,然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我
。于是我就蒙着眼睛,啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊:“在厨房桌子
上把我的奖励给我吧!”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML
92、Today, my mom’s will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my
mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school
loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I
was gay. The 执行utor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML
今天,我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的;我会得到一笔资
金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了,注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人
把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML
93、Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry
him doesn’t mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
今天,我发现就算你的男友向你求婚,也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML
94、Today, my mom talked about how it’s interesting how there’s so many
different size of penises. She also told me that since she’s doing hormone
therapy she’s able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go
traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked
more. FML
今天,我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小,真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷
尔蒙疗法,她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的
时候,她把收音机关了,接着讲。FML
95、Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I
woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything
right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint
chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML
今天,是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了,我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒:“
如果你现在让我做什么都行,你想要我做什么呢?”他的回答,“你能给我碗薄荷巧克
力屑冰淇淋吗?”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML
96、Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about
30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are
you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real
quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I’m doing Zoe." FML
今天,我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后,他的妈妈回家了,敲他的房门
问道:“你在干啥?”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能,我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结
果这时我的男友就回答:“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML
97、Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in
Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never
been to Maryland. FML
今天,一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒
驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML
98、Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an
hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She
’d kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car.
Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML
今天,我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它,直到我那脑子有
点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后,她用油漆弹朝
我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗,还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML
99、Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five
women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML
今天,我问了交往了将近十个月的男友,他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。
我妈排第二。FML
100、Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed
to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then
proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML
今天,我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后
看了看我,然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。FML
[
本帖最后由 easternevil 于 2009-8-15 11:23 编辑
]
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